Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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