giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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