dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
