you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
