Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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