I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
