I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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