when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
