You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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