i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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