he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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