i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
