Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
