T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
