I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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