guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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