I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
