im drinking this country out of the recession.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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