I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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