I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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