god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
time to smoke my breakfast
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
