after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
