can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
