Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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