Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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