I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
