i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
