I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
