Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
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HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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