dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need to sanitize my soul.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
