all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
