Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
