I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
