Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
