I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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