yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
