I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
