I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
