So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
