i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
