Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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