Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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