i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
