I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
