new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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