if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
