I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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