I think my fart just growled at me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
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Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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