I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
