my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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