Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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