I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she woke up with a sticky ear
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
