my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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